galaxysoup | Fic: Sometimes The Best Man For The Job Is An Alien Pterodactyl

FANDOM: Torchwood
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Children of Earth fix-it, like apparently every other Torchwood story I write at the moment. Part of my Five Ways The World Was Put Right series.
SPOILERS: Children of Earth
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh, come on. You know you want it to be true.
DISCLAIMER: : On a scale of One to Not Mine, these characters are Not Mine. They belong to a lot of terribly important and official people who work for big companies and get salaries and basically aren’t me. Suing me for copyright infringement would be pointless and unprofitable, I swear. A Weevil once bit my sister.

Skr'eeka!a was perturbed.

This was a deeply unusual occurrence. As a representative of the Great Ka!askruka'ee Empire and appointed Guardian of the Sector 9*1.5 Temporal Annoyance, she generally had a very high perturbation threshold. It took a great deal to make her lose her composure.

She perched contemplatively on a conveniently craggy stone building and surveyed the wreckage, both actual and metaphorical. Her roost had been demolished, the humans she'd been carefully training for nearly two years now were almost entirely dead, and Kaak - who as an immortal and former Time Agent really should have known better - had given up and left the planet entirely.

She was going to have to peck him quite hard when it was all settled, that was for darn sure. She might even have to regurgitate on his bed again. Not only had he let the timelines get into a hopeless tangle, he'd let her favourite human - the one with the soft, unpronounceable name who brought her offerings of delicious salty fish - get inconveniently poisoned.

It was an unmitigated disaster.

She sighed and activated her subspace communicator. There was nothing for it. She'd have to requisition the biggest Time Flap since the Oncoming Storm's old school friend built that paradox machine and just deal with the reports and disciplinary actions later. Central Command was going to be livid.

The communicator chirped acknowledgment of her request and indicated a tentative go-ahead pending Command-level approval of her plan of action. Skr'eeka!a studiously ignored this last part. Ironically, there simply wasn't enough time for bureaucracy.

She arranged herself carefully on her ledge, claws aligned with linear time and wings outstretched over the Metaphorical Spectrum. She tilted her head along the Ninth Gallifreyan Axis, pinned the necessary events in place with her beak, and then flapped her wings as hard as she could.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Bloody Christ Almighty!" Owen bellowed as Myfanwy's latest shriek made him spill coffee down his front. "What the hell is wrong with that overgrown chicken?"

"She almost sounds like she's having an argument with someone," Gwen said musingly, and willfully ignored Owen's incredulous snort. "Tosh, are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Tosh said reassuringly, snatching her hand away from her stomach. "Just a bit of a stomachache, that's all."

"Tell me about it," Owen grumbled. "That squawking's giving me heartburn too."

Like magic, Ianto appeared with a mug of tea. "Peppermint," he said, setting it down next to Tosh's elbow. "Should help settle your stomach."

"Why don't I get soothing tea?" Owen asked petulantly.

"You shouldn't have made fun of Myfanwy."

"I can't believe you named - "

There was a crash from Jack's office, and a split-second later the Captain staggered through the door, half-dressed and panicked.

"Jack, are you all right?"

"I - " Jack stopped, staring at them all in confusion. "I'm fine, it's - are you - is everything all right up here? I thought... Everything's all right?"

"Yes, Jack, everything's fine," Gwen said, soothingly and not without a little wariness.

"Oh." Jack straightened, looking a little embarrassed. "Well, that's... good. Um." Myfanwy screeched again, high above. "What's wrong with Myfanwy?"

Owen rolled his eyes and looked ready to take up the Myfanwy Naming Debate again, but Ianto stepped in. "I'll bring her some kippers. That usually calms her down."

"Good," Jack said, the earlier confusion gone from his face. "All that shrieking is giving me a headache."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ianto had to admit, once he got up to Myfanwy's nest, that the pterodactyl did look uncannily as if she was having an argument with someone. Her wings were spread and her crest was raised in what Ianto recognized as classic confrontation body language, but the shrieking cut off abruptly and her body language calmed as soon as Ianto climbed up through the access hole. She even looked, for want of a better description, a little sheepish at having caused such a fuss.

"There, girl," Ianto cooed, and was more than a little gratified when Myfanwy cooed back. She took the kippers delicately from his hands and smacked him in the head with her beak in what Ianto had, over time, decided was an affectionate way.

"Do you think you could keep it down for a little while?" Ianto asked, scratching the hard-to-reach spot on the back of her head. "I can get Jack out of here for a few hours tonight if you want to shout some more."

Myfanwy hummed and hit him with her beak again. Owen would laugh if he ever said it out loud, but there were times when Ianto was nearly positive that Myfanwy could understand him.

"Good." He gave her one final scratch and the last kipper, then climbed back down out of sight.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Skr'eeka!a sighed. It actually hadn't turned out that badly - she was on probation, her Time Flap ability had been taken away, and she'd been summoned to a full disciplinary hearing at the Nest Ship, but events had also righted themselves satisfactorily. Kaak had given her some problems - time-shifting a Fact was always tricky, and it was possible she'd accidentally left one of his kidneys behind - but the others had slid back into their rightful places as easily as if they'd been waiting for the opportunity.

Now there was just the hearing to get through, and things could get back to normal. She clacked her beak thoughtfully.

Maybe if she brought the Review Board some of those delicious salty fish...

Other stories in the series:
A Confluence of Personalities (a.k.a. The Crossover)
Saving the World (a.k.a. The One With Time Travel)
Torchwood Does Dallas (a.k.a. The Cliche)
Following Orpheus (a.k.a. The One That Could Actually Work)

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From:

nancybrown.livejournal.com

Muahahahahaha!

I love this! Funny and perfect!

From:

Putting reality through a blender since 1982

Fic: Sometimes The Best Man For The Job Is An Alien Pterodactyl

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